holy crap, I'm pregnant! - Good Times!

Owwwwwww..................

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:24:32 -0600

Moving sucks.

But it’s done.

…..and no Baby.

Yet.

All signs point to soon though…

Must… arrange… house. Must… sleeeep……. HOUSE!!!

I'm Pregnant... F--- Off!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 16:08:51 -0700

Yep, you read it right.

Don’t look at me, she’s the one who said it — and no, it was not directed at me.

Normally, I try to keep this G-rated. Not for any particular reason, I just usually find that when I write, I swear less than when I speak. Now, I just consider it practice for when the kid is born.

Bad potty-mouth! BAD!!!

Honestly, though, sometimes there is just no better way to get your point across. Note, however, that I did censor the title. That was for you, Mom.

I told my mother the title of the next post and she was less than impressed…

Until I told her the story behind it.

Robin and I were waiting in the car one morning — i had just missed my commuter train and we had a half-hour until the next one — and she was telling me how people were really starting to piss her off.

Robin is carrying high and looks about 3 weeks further along then she actually is. You may remember some mention of this previously in the post No twins… breathes — but I SAW IT MOVE!!!!

We are not having twins. Everyone knows we are not having twins.

But that doesn’t stop them from asking Robin if she is sure.

Also, we are due in the first week of May. Everyone knows we are due in the first week of May.

But that doesn’t stop them from asking Robin if she is due in March — and when she says no, in May, it doesn’t stop them from developing this look of pitying horror that she is going to grow larger still.

Robin is a cute pregnant lady. She actually carries it very well. Sexy, even.

On some level, she is aware of this — but no woman likes to be reminded that she is only going to get bigger. Or that she is possibly going to have to push out some gargantuan nine pound baby through something that can not even imagine that size. In this case, size really does matter!!

As a man, I can’t even fathom the concept. From what she tells me, Robin is having some difficulty with it as well…

So anyway, with all of these people — many of whom are parents and should know better — asking these silly and irritating questions, Robin says to me: "Sometimes I just want to look at them and say… ‘I’m pregnant… Fuck off!!’"

To which I, of course, reply with uproarious laughter and say "that should be on a t-shirt".

Robin smiles at me indulgently and then says quite seriously: "It really should be! ….I would wear it."

I grinned at her and gave her a kiss, and later, when I was on my lunch break from work… I had it made for her.

Doesn’t she look cute!? I mean… it’s a sexy, mess with me and I will totally rip your nuts off kind of cute…. but cute, yes?

She just wishes she could wear it to work…

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Still a cutie!!

Ohhhhh I'm back baby!!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 13:41:53 -0700

Iiiiii’m BACK! And I’m ringin’ the bell. I’m rockin’ on the mic while the fly girls…

Wait a minute…

Those are Vanilla Ice lyrics.

Don’t ask me how I know them — because I won’t tell you…

Anyway… for those of you who have been anxiously waiting for me to start writing again after the shenanigans that are the holidays and going back to work, I’m here to tell you:

Robin is HUGE.

And this was a couple weeks ago…

Ohhhh you guessed it. We are 25 weeks along today, that baby is doing backflips, acrobatics AND martial arts — and Robin can’t see her feet. Not without effort, anyway. That dark line that some pregnant ladies get down their bellies (linea negra) has, at the belly button and below, become almost 3/4’s of an inch wide — and the belly button itself, well, that sucker is set to turn inside out any day now! I wonder, sometimes, about women who already have an outie… does it get bigger? shrugs Random thought.

Robin is also starting to get stretchmarks… she wasn’t happy about the idea at first — but now she thinks they are kind of pretty. I like them. They are interesting little maps or lightning bolts if you have any degree of imagination. Oh, and ladies, for those of you who are now saying that you will make sure you never get stretchmarks, that you will bathe in cocoa butter if you have to… sorry. You are out of luck. Some women get ‘em, some don’t — most do. To keep them from

This is today — and no, those aren’t stretchmarks. She just woke up… She’s not that pale either… bad lighting.

sticking around afterward, as I have been informed, cocoa butter is good, as it helps keep the skin in good shape, but there is one super-important thing you must remember above all else…

Don’t scratch.

Yep. That’s it. I don’t know what you want from me — this isn’t the cure for cancer I am offering here.

Other important things of note hat have happened this past month are as follows — and in no particular order:

-Our friend Crystal has had her little baby boy. Took about 10 minutes and 3 pushes. Her husband almost missed it while parking the car. If only Robin will be so lucky… Cute kid though. Looked like a wrinkly little gnome.

-Robin’s good friend and co-worker has announce that she is pregnant. this is exciting as this is the same friend that got married a week after us — and our baby now has two friends — and maybe even a future date — by default. We don’t know the sex of our baby or theirs — so date may not be in the cards. I’m open minded though. It’s a whole new millennium after all. As long as the kid’s happy, right?

-I felt the baby move for the first time a few weeks back. Robin had begun to feel it a little bit, but I had been denied repeatedly. I casually draped my arm over Robin one morning, half asleep, and there it was! Woke me right up! I was so excited, it was all I could talk about for 3 days! Now, we can actually see the little bulges sometimes!!! :D — And the little punk has already kicked me in the ass once while Robin was cuddling me from behind. This is how I know the kid is going to be just like me — and just like his/her mother. She is a punk too.

-Robin and I almost moved. We were hell bent on getting a better place, somethig we could settle into for a long time. then we worked out the budget and realised that, sticking to that budget, but staying where we are and keeping the difference in rent for six months — saved us more than $4000.00. We will be staying where we are until at least July. Well, that is provided that the people upstairs don’t piss us off so much with their 3am inconsiderate noise making that we don’t… move. To say anything else would be potentially incriminating. And for those who take things to seriously…. that was a JOKE.

-I had a few minor panic attacks regarding my job. I like it. I like the money it brings in. I don’t lke this 3 month probation period thing where they can let you go without cause or explanation or recompense. That is almost over. Things seem to be going well. But you never truly know until the fat lady, as they say, sings. No I am not talking about Robin. She is the Pregnant Lady. She is a sexy goddess and don’t any of you forget it!

Perhaps one of the most interesting, and definitely one of the most recent, developments, is that Robin has now entered the nesting stage. Ohhh has she!!! She is intent on overhauling the entire house. Just the other day, she did something like 500 loads of laundry. I’m serious!! She washed nearly everything we own, dirty or not. I think she as just waiting for me to come home so she could wash the clothes off my back! It’s actually kind of funny, but I worry about her overworking herself.

Heh… the other day, she picked me up from the train after I got off of work… I opened the door to the car, and there is Robin, in the driver’s seat, cleaning wipe in hand, scrubbing away happily. I look at her a moment and say "Hi baby, how’re you doing?" She responds gleefully: "Hi Baby! I’m cleaning!!!" It may have been a "had to be there" moment, but I couldn’t even get into the car for a good 2-3 minutes beacuse I was laughing so hard.

That’s all for today folks! I will be back soon, at least weekly, maybe more, so stay tuned for tales of Robin’s voracious hunger and the kung fu baby that will soon start to double in size every week!!!

Oh yes, and Robin is still carrying high, for those of you who are interested in that sort of thing and whatever it may mean. She looks like she is almost 7 months along… but she isn’t…

Get down, Pregnant Lady, get down!!!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 11:48:00 -0700

One of the most amusing things thus far in the pregnancy is the amazing dancing prowess of the Pregnant Lady. That… and watching her wiggle about as she rubs the cocoa butter all over her belly and breasts — yeah she’s gotta do those too — while making "booo, booooooooo" noises to simulate the sound of the light reflecting off her now accentuated and shiny-slick belly.

Yes, she is doing that right now.

But that’s another story…

Back to the dancing.

Periodically, I will walk out into the hall — where we have a full length mirror for a closet door — and I will see Robin gripping her belly and wriggling all about. Then the arms come up like she’s tearin’ the roof off the sucker and she starts to bob and gyrate and, yes… do the slow spin. Wiggling all the way ‘round. Now, the girl’s got rhythm — but this is too funny! I mean, she is getting down. And having a great time doing it!

She just loves watching herself, and feeling the motion of her new size as it moves about. And she knows it’s hilarious, too. She looks good, mind you, but… I can’t explain it! I just stand there and watch her, as fascinated as she is watching herself. Eventually, she sees me watching and we both burst out laughing. This is a regular occurrence throughout the week, and I gotta tell you… it gets me every time.

I wonder if all pregnant women do this?

I hope so.

If they don’t, they should.

Get down, pregnant lady.

Get down!!

I made her cry on her birthday...

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 10:07:00 -0700

Relax… they were happy tears. And tears about missing family — I was not a jerk. It was actually very cute and moving and whatnot. For her birthday I got her several things that she wanted. First, I got her a body pillow. She thought that was all I got her — and no, that is not why she was crying — in fact, she was pretty excited about it. It meant support for her burgeoning belly and her now very heavy chest. I haven’t talked about that yet… more on that in another post. Anyway, she was happy. Later on in the night I broke out another gift that was pregnancy and comfort/future related… cocoa butter. This, as any woman can probably tell you, is essential for the prevention of the hated stretch mark. I’ve seen women with stretch marks and they don’t bother me — they sometimes look pretty neat, in fact, like a crazy tattoo or something — but to women, they are anathema. That means very bad… See? I am SMRT! So yeah, she was tickled by that present too.

The big one was the book.

Actually, there were two books, but the second was an add on to the first one — a Robert Munsch anthology. You see, this pregnancy thing brought about something that I didn’t know about my wife…

I had no idea that she was a Robert Munsch freak. It just… never came up. One day, though, she was telling me — and quite excitedly, too — that she was really looking forward to reading the Munsch stories to our baby. That the stories were a huge part of her childhood — one of her favourite parts — and that she reaaally wanted to get them. she felt them to be both educational and entertaining and she liked them as much, if not more today. She wanted to and wants to share that experience with our kids. I was tickled — I loved Robert Munsch as a kid too, though I don’t have as vivid a memory of his works as she. The anthology was one of the more complete ones, with most of the more well known stories — excpet one. That is where the other little book came in. A single story — and I will forever thank the nice lady in the Chapters kids section for recommending it. As soon as I told her my wife was pregnant, she said I had to get it. I checked it out, got some spark of a memory regarding it — and agreed. As it turns out, it was (and is) Robin’s favourite, hands down.

The book is called Love You Forever.

I highly recommend it.

It is one of the sweetest stories I have ever read — and reading it to her that night brought back memories of my own. It is, essentially, a book about life, in all of its stages — and the love of a mother for her son and his for her. It is also ridiculously funny. The end though… it made her cry. At first, I thought it was just her crazy pregnant-lady emotions (after all, she cries at the drop of a hat some days… I have told you all about the Pavarotti incident right? No? *marks that down as a future post*) — but as it turns out, it has always made her cry ever since she was little. A very emotion-drawing book, that is so simple it is hugely powerful — and entirely based around this song:

"I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be."

Read it.

It’s worth it.

Belly Pics!!! -- Part 1

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 11:06:20 -0700

We are now just over 16 weeks!!!

Apparently, the baby is starting to become a fatty.

This helps with the development of metabolism and such.

Robin, however, is looking very sexy — not fat at all. shakes head emphatically That round belly is a beautiful, sexy, magnet for my attentions.

Here’s a pic of the sexy pregnant lady — no nude belly shots yet (you pervs!).

The pic is from her birthday, so you may have discovered it already on Facebook — but you know you wanna look again!

Below, you will find the full pic and another of a very cool gift from our friend Cathleen.

Down here…..

Awwww, ain’t we sweet? This is the best shirt, EVER!!!

Click them for full-size.

More to come very soon — I promise!!!

It has a heartbeat!! IT'S ALIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 00:52:36 -0600

Tonight, I was going to write the 2nd installment of The Sickness,
as I am still trying to catch the blog up to the actual current
happenings of the pregnancy — but I couldn’t. Today was too
exciting!!! All of you out there who were waiting with baited breath to
see how poor Robin fared with her sickness upon sickness and overall
general discomfort (and I am sure there were a few of you… ), I’m
sorry. You will have to wait.

Why?

Because today was OBGYN day!!!

It
was our first appointment, and Robin was just passed 12 weeks — which
means there was a good chance of hearing the baby’s heartbeat.

Sooooo exciting!

What’s the big deal, you ask? Come ON, man!! We could hear the baby. While it is still this tiny little thing the size of a lime… while it is still inside of her… While…

So freakin’ cool.

So last night we were like a couple of kids waiting for Christmas — or whatever holiday you may engage in that requires you to wait an entire night

before opening a bunch of presents. We couldn’t sleep. Oh, it came in fits and starts, sure, but I am sure you know how that goes. We got up, skipped breakfast, and headed right to the doctor’s office. By the time we got there, we were a little more settled. After all, this wasn’t to be all fun and games… there were questions and forms and… PAP smears. Robin had told me previously that the OBGYN came highly recommended; apparently, we were lucky to get referred to him. Ask any woman, though, and she will tell you — a PAP smear is no fun. At all. And for me… I had developed a fear that I might be expected to be there while it happened…

Ohhh dread!

We watched as the other patients came and went from the inner offices… none seemed the worse for wear. We were momentarily troubled, however, when it became apparent that the young woman who was calling the patients in — and was wearing a stethoscope — was not, in fact, a nurse. She was an intern.

Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNNNN!

There was now an additional unknown to this equation. Would she be the one performing everything? Was she competent? Is… she going to sit there and watch? We put it out of our minds. Certainly, everything would be fine…

Honestly, I think Robin had an easier time of it than I did — but I can’t speak for her. I am pretty sure that my over-active imagination simply collided with the newness of everything, and the lingering effects of my previous excitement.

~~When our turn came to be called in became quickly apparent that I was, most definitely, a drama queen… er, king?~~

When our turn came to be called in, it became quickly apparent that I was being overdramatic. nods The intern turned out to be very nice — and quite competent insofar as I could tell. She asked us both many questions about our respective health history, as well as that of our families. I had thought I was prepared for this, but I promptly blanked out on a few key issues concerning my family. I have the information now and will have to call it in, but I felt a bit silly at the time.

When the questions were finished, the doctor and his intern invited us to come to the other room so we could continue — I think I froze a bit inside and it must have shown on my face, because, when I asked, ever so casually, if they were going to do the PAP test now and, if so, was I supposed to come along, I was greeted with amused looks and gently told "no". I think the doctor even laughed at me a bit! "No," they said. They wanted to see if they could hear the baby’s heartbeat — after that I could wait outside…

I won’t lie.

I was relieved.

Ohhh, don’t get me wrong, I intend to be in therefore the birth and all that, but there are some things a guy just doesn’t need to see. And before you ladies start (continue…?) scoffing at me, let me ask you this: When was the last time you went with your man/husband/boyfriend/father/friend to watch him get a prostate exam?

Hmmmm?

That’s what I thought.

Moving on…

As Robin got up on the table and things got started, I learned two things:

That the heartbeat might not be easy to find at our current stage in the pregnancy. And…
That the baby I had been talking to and kissing good night these past several weeks, was not anywhere near where I thought it was — it was actually much… lower.

Yeah.

When I mentioned it to my mother later, she laughed at me and said I should have been able to figure that one out… Thanks mom.

I was pretty disappointed that we might not get to hear the heartbeat, and more so when they seemed to be having a lot of trouble finding it. It was really starting to look like it wasn’t going to happen. I was surprised at how much I really wanted to hear it — and now! I didn’t want to wait for a month! I didn’t want to wait for a week — or an hour! I wanted…

Why was it so important to me anyway?

I was thinking about this and battling my disappointment when… it happened.

The doctor stepped in to show the intern a "trick" with the instrument (it’s called a fetal doppler, I believe) that involved angling the sensor higher than you would normally think to, and there it was. This wonderful, beautiful rhythm… a strong and steady cadence of sound. So fast. So… tiny.

That was my baby.

My baby.

My baby.

It hit me in a rush of emotion and clarity. I knew why it was so important to me. It was confirmation. There was now no room for any doubt whatsoever. No chance that it might be some fluke of the body fooling itself into a false pregnancy. No chance that something horrible had happened before this point. No chance that it was anything other than what it was.

My baby.

I thank God, the Universe, Allah, and any and all other conceptions of a higher power for that moment.

I will never forget it.