holy crap, I'm pregnant! - Stuff 'n' Stuffs

Yes there is a baby and yes this blog will continue! -- Just need some sleep first...

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 11:23:51 -0600

Hi!

I recently recieved a comment asking about the status of the blog and the baby. I replied — at length — and then realised I should just post the reply here!

Here is what I wrote:

I haven’t forgotten about the blog, and I probably should have made some post stating as much by now — but being a Dad is extremely time consuming! Who would have thought? :P I am so busy between baby and work and people constantly coming by and just trying to get some bloody REST that I haven’t had the time to even consider writing.

Well, that’s not true. I considered it.

I just spent all my spare moments vegetating…

Never fear! I will be back soon!! The steady stream of visitors has finally lulled!!!!

Look for several posts in the near future detailing the trials and tribulations and overt freakouts that followed the last post. Be here for the emotional displays! Be here for the tons and TONS of baby pics that I STILL CAN’T STOP TAKING!! Be here for the lack… of… sleep……….. !

And thanks to Kae for kicking me in the ass about this!

Owwwwwww..................

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:24:32 -0600

Moving sucks.

But it’s done.

…..and no Baby.

Yet.

All signs point to soon though…

Must… arrange… house. Must… sleeeep……. HOUSE!!!

Don't try this at home, kids...

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 10:17:47 -0600

Seriously — trying to write a blog post in the latter stages of pregnancy is… nuts. Oh I’m sure there is time. Really. But I am so spun about, freaked out, excited, anxious, happy, in awe and otherwise generally wiggin’, that when I get a minute to do something, that minute is occupied by me staring at the TV, or simply staring at the wall, the ceiling, or a book.

Or sleeping.

There has been lots of sleeping lately. I am not usually a nap person — and I am a night person to boot — once I’m up, I’m up. Saturday afternoon, though, I passed out, sitting up, for about 2 and a half hours. And I’m not sick — this time.

Robin has been especially anxious lately as well — but she has more right to it than me.

She is cramping, the baby is pummelling her from the inside (usually her bladder, poor girl), her hips are hurting, moving about can be difficult, and she is generally uncomfortable all the time. Let’s not forget the fact that she is just a teensy bit worried about pushing a 6-10 pound giant out of her body. Imagine sweating out a rock if you need assistance with the concept.

Ow.

So yeah, she’s a bit freaked out right now.

And just to make things… interesting…. we have upped the stakes in this game a bit.

We are moving.

Tomorrow.

Yes, you heard me right. Or read me… whatever.

Why are we moving, you ask? Are we crazy, you ask? Well, the answer the second question is: yes, probably. The first… wellllll, we have two dogs. And we rent. And it is getting harder and harder to find dog-friendly places in this city, so, when we found one, randomly (and by randomly, I mean through Robin’s obsessive trolling of Craigslist), we decided that we should jump on it now, rather than in July like we planned.

I figure the baby will start things off being a punk — and will come on moving day.

Don’t try this at home, kids.

I’m not kidding, we could have this baby any day now. Any time… As a matter of fact, Robin could call me while writing this post and tell me to get my ass home.

*waits*

…

…..

Well. It could happen!

We have been cocked, loaded, and ready to fire for a week and a half now. Robin and I discovered that, while a due date for pregnancy is set at about 40 weeks, the actual full term for the baby’s development is 38 weeks. we are now 39 and a half. So yeah. any day now…

And we’re not even done packing yet!!!

Pregnancy is beautiful... really!!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:24:51 -0600

If I sound like I’m trying to convince myself, it’s because, sometimes, I really am. Yes pregnancy and the creation of a new life is a beautiful and wonderous thing. A glowing pregnant lady can be cute, pretty, sexy, all of those things. It’s the… other stuff… the…… byproducts, if you will, of this miracle that are, well… disgusting.

And it only gets worse as the pregnancy goes on.

In the beginning, it’s just gas. And puke, if you are one of the unlucky ones to get “morning” sickness. Then there’s more gas. Vaginal discharge. And more gas… And more — well, let’s just say that the gas never stops. It just keeps surfacing in weird and wonderful ways. It is, at the very least, an endless source of entertainment. For all you guys out there who have girls that like to pretend that there body is above gas and therefore they do not fart like us lowly men, well… get ‘em pregnant. Then fart jokes may once again, abound. But watch yourselves, fellows!!! Mood swings while pregnant are nothing to shake a stick at. You don’t want an angry pregnant woman chasing you down the street! She will catch you… eventually. Remember! They sleep less and less as it goes on — and they “sleep” right beside you…

But I digress…

Gas is fun nastiness. Ever heard of a mucus plug? Doesn’t that just sound….. appetizing? No, you don’t eat it you silly people! It is just an expression. It’s the afterbirth that some people eat. You heard me! I’m not knocking people’s practices — people are free to do whatever they want, no matter how gross, as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody… and eating the afterbirth doesn’t hurt anybody. But ewww!!!! And I have a hard time believing that wasn’t your first reaction as well…

So mucus plug… this is a relatively dense plug of mucus that seals the cervix to keep out bacteria and the like. It’s a good thing. Then, late in the pregnancy, the cervix thins and opens — and the mucus plug falls into the toilet in a large mucus-y, often brown/pink/red and bloody mass. Plop. Sometimes it comes out in bits first, and some women don’t notice it coming out at all — but it’s there! When it finally does come out, it is a good indication of a week or less to go before the baby burrows its way out. They don’t show that stuff in the movies!! As a matter of fact, Robin and I had never even really heard of a mucus plug at all until we stumbled upon it doing a little research. What a wonderfully disgusting surprise!

There are a lot of things about pregnancy that they hide from you in Hollywood… I mean, did you know that, after all that time and trouble and pushing, the baby comes out — and you think you’re done, ladies? Think again! You have to push some more and give birth again! To the placenta. The afterbirth. Ok, well, you might have known that… but I bet you didn’t know that some people eat it!!! At least some of you didn’t know that… be honest!!

And ew!!!!

And don’t kid yourselves, people! When the water breaks and floods all over everything… That’s not water.

Nope.

Not water….

So yeah…. pregnancy — as well as all other bodily functions — it’s yucky!

Boys, Girls, and Crazy Monkey Babies...

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 11:19:00 -0600

The other day, Robin and a friend (who is also pregnant) were messaging each other on Facebook. Robin had mentioned she had heartburn, and that she was getting it fairly often. Her friend responds thus:

“oohh, heart-burn, they say that means your baby will have a load of hair! No bald babies for Bin & Bobby.”

My response to this statement is…eh? Seriously….. eh??

I really don’t get the relationship. I mean, I was a hairy baby — as Robin was so kind to point out to her friend… on Facebook. As a matter of fact, my mother had me convinced until I was eight years old that I was born covered with thick hair — covered everywhere, that is, except for a bald patch on my chest in the shape of an M… for Monkey. Yeah yeah, laugh it up… Anyway, all that hair fell out. And apparently continued to fall out — have you seen my pictures from the last couple years? I can still grow the stuff, but let’s be honest shall we? I am just glad my mother was dilligent in turning me when I was a baby. I have a nice round head that looks good shaven.

But I digress…

The point of this ramble is this: What could heartburn in the mother possilbly have to do with the amount of hair on the the baby — the kind that falls out quickly or otherwise? Isn’t that stuff handled by genetics? I am pretty sure it is… And I believe in magic and unicorns and such. Oh, and dragons. Lots of dragons…

I did some research, and myths such as this one abound. There are tons of them — with multiple variations that often contradict each other and vary by the teller. Most are surrounding the preeminent mystery that is the sex of the baby. The conclusion of my research? Well, I think that people just think they are fun and want to be involved. I can’t blame them. The whole thing is one of life’s great mysteries. It’s nutty! I did have one major epiphany though:

Regarding the sex of the baby…

I think there’s a 50-50 chance.

Anyhoo, read and you will find a small list of some of the different myths I have come across, with the obligatory commentary by me, of course — you didn’t think I would pass up a chance to voice my opinion, did you?

(http://www.pregnancy-info.net/wives_tales_and_myths.html - this is one of the many sites I looked at, and one of the most comprehensive. The info below comes from them.)

Carrying High, Carrying Low
The way you are carrying during your pregnancy is one of the most oft cited ways of determining the sex of your baby. The general story goes that, if you’re carrying low, you’re having a boy. If you are carrying high, then you must be having a girl. Science says “NO, NO, NO!” to this: the way you carry is determined by muscle and uterine tone as well as the position of your baby. But who’s to say that boys don’t like being lower in their mom’s stomach while girls prefer a view from the top?

(I almost buy this one. It’s up there with boys being made of snails and puppy dog tails…)

What Your Urine Says
This next test to determine a baby’s sex may not be for everyone, although it is very simple. Just take a sample of your urine and mix it with Drano. Depending on the color change of your urine, you will have a boy or a girl. Unfortunately, there is no consensus on what color equals which sex. So, if you do decided to try this and your urine turns bluish yellow, brownish, brown, black or blue you will be having a boy. If your urine looks more greenish brown, green, blue or doesn’t change at all, then you’re having a girl. But be warned: if you decide to do this test, there could be some pretty harsh fumes produced - not to mention the possibility of an explosion!

(Ok… my opinion of this is WTF?)

Heartbeats
One belief that has been around for some time, and even had some acceptance in the medical community at one point, is that the fetal heartbeat differs for boys and girls. If you’re having a girl, then the fetal heart rate will be above 140. A boy will have a heart rate below 140. However, that pesky science has reared its little head again to say that this is complete fiction. A baby’s heart rate is not affected by its sex until it is born, when a girl’s heart rate will increase considerably compared with boys during labor.

(Well, if this one wasn’t proven wrong, we would -definitely- be having a girl…)

Craving Something…Sweet?
Many people believe that your cravings are caused by the sex of your baby. So, if you can’t get enough chocolate, you could be having a girl. Does the idea of drinking straight lemon juice sound delicious to you? Then those sour cravings are a result of the little boy inside of you. However, if you go by the scientists, then some of them will claim that you’re not even having cravings because cravings just don’t exist.

(Cravings don’t exist??? Now -that-, you science freaks, is a load of crap! I have -seeeen- the terrible call of the craving! I know it’s might! It successfully sends me to the store when I am relaxing!! You are -insane- science freaks!!! INSANE I TELL YOU!!!! — and Robin has been craving chocolate lately…)

Weight Gain
Thankfully, this one doesn’t refer to your weight gain. The belief is that, if your husband puts on weight during your pregnancy, then you will be having a girl. If he doesn’t put on a pound, then you’re carrying a boy.

(Well, so far, all signs were pointing girl — until now. Robin is convinced, in fact, that I have been -losing- weight. Figure that out! ooooooooooooooo… )

Is Her Face Round and Full?
Some say that the shape and fullness of your face during pregnancy can indicate your baby’s sex. Every woman gains weight differently during pregnancy, and every woman experiences different skin changes. If people tell you that because your face is round and rosy you are having a girl, they might be right - but it’s just as likely that they are wrong!

(A friend of ours gained a fair amount in the face — definitely rounder — and she just had an untrasound that proves it is a boy. One more point for ambiguity!)

At-Home Tests

Here’s a test that you can do next time you change or get out of the bath. Look in the mirror at your breasts. If the right one is larger, you’re having a boy! A larger left breast indicates a girl (if they’re the same size, does that mean you’re having one of each?). (*blinks*)

Hold a pendant over your hand. If the necklace swings back and forth, you’re having a boy. If it is more of a circular motion, then it’s a girl. This can also be done by suspending a ring on a string above your belly. (This one sounds… neat. Like dousing for water or something. I won’t count it out…)

Do you have acne? Some believe that getting acne during your pregnancy indicates you’re carrying a girl. Maybe the acne is caused by twice the amount of female hormones? (What do think Robin? Girl, again?)

Pick up a key. If you’ve picked it up by the thinner end, you’re having a girl. Picking it up by the bottom, rounder part means a boy is on the way. Did you pick it up by the middle? Then congratulations! You’re having twins! (Ok, this one just seems random…)

Ask yourself what you think you’re having. In a study that asked women with no previous knowledge about their baby’s sex, the moms-to-be correctly guessed the sex of their baby 71% of the time. (Robin seems confused by this one — she’s had dreams of both. Sometimes she leans one way, then the other. What’s your gut (*chuckles*) say, baby?)

Other Pregnancy Beliefs (Ok, I’m just going to blink at these ones… *blinks*)

If you hold your arms above your head, your baby’s umbilical cord will get wrapped around its head and choke it. This myth may have a spiritual basis or it may have been a way to keep women from doing anything when they were pregnant (perhaps the myth was created by an overworked mother?). However, if your baby gets caught up in its umbilical cord (which happens in about a 1/3 of births) it is because your baby was very fidgety inside of you and moved around a lot, not because of you.

Similar to this is the belief in Hawaiian tradition that pregnant women should not wear leis. This folktale believed that wearing a lei would cause the umbilical cord to wrap around the baby’s head and choke it. Nowadays, most people recognize that this folktale is a little over-the-top.

A pregnant woman should not take baths. This myth is routed in the belief that water can get into the vagina and thereby introduce bacteria to the baby. Scientists have proven that water does not enter a woman’s vagina during a bath. In fact, baths will probably help pregnant women feel better by helping them relax.

Can You Determine the Sex of Your Baby Before it is Even Conceived? (Personally, I find this a bit silly — I think people put much to much importance on having one or the other. Yes, I know there are cultural dealies involved, but honestly, people should just be happy with whatever little miracle they are blessed with.)

There are old wives tales that dictate what you should do to increase your chances of conceiving a girl or a boy, depending on what you want. And modern science is even getting itself involved in this one. There are books that will tell you the best time during your ovulation cycle to conceive a girl or a boy. As mentioned above, people are turning to popular books such as How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby. There are also kits that come with charts, thermometers and vitamins to help create the “ideal” environment to produce a particular sex.

And then there are older methods based in Chinese lore that are said to aid in the sex selection. If you are really determined to have a girl or a boy, you can even have a scientist create the correct sexed zygote to implant inside of you. With the exception of the scientist who manipulates your fertilized egg, none of these methods can definitely determine the sex of your baby.

However, the Chinese birth chart is a very popular calendar used by many women not only to increase their changes of conceiving a girl or boy, but also to predict the sex of baby who is already conceived. This is so popular, in fact, that you can now load a Chinese birth chart onto your palm pilot with Heybaby software. This fun application also comes with an extensive list of old wives tales that you’re sure to find entertaining.

Well, there you have it folks… make of them what you will. Me? I’m just going to have some fun with the anticipation of it all!

The Good, the Bad, and the Bobby

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 15:29:58 -0700

Well now… this is where I ask myself:

Do I really want to transfer all of my bad habits to my child?

Seriously. I do some pretty screwy things!

Granted, I don’t drink or do any crazy drugs or smoke or anything like that — but those aren’t the only bad habits in the world. I curse a blue streak, for example. This is a habit I picked up from my mother — although, to be fair, she also instilled in me, very vigorously, the concepts of “a time and place for everything” and “do as I say, not as i do”, which resulted in adults often telling her I was a very polite child — which I was. And am. Unless the situation calls for otherwise. So maybe that isn’t such a bad thing, cursing a blue streak… As long as it is tempered with good sense.

The kid is going to learn the “language” from other kids anyway. And from televsion — and the radio too, nowadays. Don’t even get me started on the interweb. I mean, I was swearing in at least 5 different languages or more by the time I was 9 — and my mother only speaks the one.

So maybe swearing isn’t such a big deal. I’ll just try and temper myself a bit, and attempt to teach the kid good sense.

Good.

Glad we got that covered.

Now what about these other things…?

What about more insidious things like my tendency to get caught up with what I am doing to the exclusion of all else — even food? Do I really want my kid to learn that? On the one hand, it can be a good thing. It is a focus that is able to really bring about a conclusion to a project — if the obsessive nature of that focus doesn’t burn you out first. Helped me get the job I have now. Helped me keep the job I have now. Helped me with many other things as well — but it also caused me to burn out on things prematurely and sometimes not finish what I started. And let’s face it, forgetting to eat… not good!

Robin gets on my case about that. I can’t blame her, really. She loves me you know… And it certainly doesn’t help your cause when you are so focused on getting something done that you forget to fuel your brain and end up either making mistakes, or at the very least, making things take longer because you can’t think straight. I am still searching for the middle ground here myself — so how do I teach that to my kid? And what about the 50,000 or so other bad habits and potential bad habits that I’ve got going on? I think I’m a good man — but I want my kid to be a better person than me!

Honestly… this being a role model thing kinda sucks.

But it’s is so bloody important!!!

And where do I leave off pushing these values and whatnot onto the kid? Where do I stop and just let the kid figure things out for him or herself? I have been told I have natural paternal instinct and that I do well with kids and whatever, but seriously… what the hell?

My answer thus far is just continue to try to improve upon myself and try to teach the kid good sense. I think judgement is key.

That’s all I got, man.

That’s it.

And for those of you who are only here for the belly shots and could care less about my whining — this here’s for you:

And, for good measure…

Here’s a pic of my puppies:

Enjoy.

Common sense is not that common

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 15:56:35 -0700

Today was a good day. Robin and I slept in a bit — 9:30am constitutes sleeping in these days… and I expect that to onlyt get worse — then we went swimming. We have been trying to go swimming for the entire length of the pregnancy, for both fun and pre-natal exercise, but were just unable to get it together. We fixed that today. It was a lot of fun, there was a little kid’s birthday party going on and the little kids were, to put it mildy, freakin’ adorable. Not very well supervised, though. I actually had to help two kids (on separate occasions, mind you) to get out of deep water and back to the bulk of the party. They were both wearing life jackets but were sadly lacking in propulsion capability. One boy commissioned my help with a semi-shouted "Hey you, I need a little help here!" while the other looked so lost and forlorn that it was almost funny. Pitiful, but funny. Neither boy was more than 7, and was very likely not even that old — and here I am, a 32 year old man, half-naked in a pool and towing around these kids I don’t even know — and no one says a word. I was a little horrified at that. shrugs But what to do? I mentioned it to the life guard.

Now, while this is related to the title, it is not the point of this writing…
On the way out of the aquatic centre, Robin and I picked up yesterday’s paper. The reason for this was the huge front page picture of a pregnant belly with this cute little 3-4 year old girl giving it a kiss. Waaaay too cute, and obviously going to catch our attention. If not us, then who?? The title of the article was "Bringing Up Baby?" with a subtitle "Spanking, C-sections’ midwives: We check up on the latest research." Again, if not us……?

So we read all of these articles — there was a whole slew of them too — and could only reach one real conclusion: That these people have put wayyyyyyyyy too much money into proving what can only be described as common sense. That’s if they actually proved anything definitively in the first place. th writer of the articles compared different studies on the same things quite often, which often had conflicting results. It reminded me of my psychology classes back in college — a year or so of education in the different theories of hwo the human mind works and how to fix it when it breaks… which was really a year or so of learning that each accepted theory was in many ways the opposite of the others and that no one really knew anything at all. You pretty much have to take what you like out of each one and run with it. This is often my opinion on organised religion, too — but that’s a whole ‘nother ‘nother isn’t it?

So back to the matter at hand here. The article on daycare talked about a study that asked if daycare is good or bad for children. The study seemed to indicate that the child in daycare was apt to be marginally more developed mentally and marginally more of a little bad ass. They site many possible reasons for both, like a good daycare will have caregivers that are trained in child development and the child may be generally more challenged and partake more in conversation and reading activities in dayare and therefor may be more likely to have a better memory and/or a more developed vocabulary than those who don’t go. Marginally. Reasons for the bad-ass increase is more independence and less direct supervision when in an environment of multiple children and few adults. Not to mention picking up bad habits from other kids.

Ok. I’ll buy that.

I could even guess all that for myself.

Without spending $200-million dollars.

…

The article on caesarean section and whether it is more dangerous than vaginal birth left me with the same impression. It is… of course! They are cutting the woman open! This can lead to infection and scarring and a possible hysterectomy later. Not necessarily, as it is still a relatively safe procedure, but it is defintely a possibility. Some women like to do it just because and not because it needs to be done. According to this study it is somewhat more likely to cause complications after the fact. Due to the fact that they are cutting the woman open it seems fairly obvious that complications could occur.

I got the same impression from studies on midwife vs doctor and home vs hospital births. They spent a whole lot of money to conclusively figure out that, if midwives are educated and regulated in their field, just like nurses and doctors are, and if pregnancies are screened to establish the possibility of complications occuring, home births and midwife-assisted hospital births are just as safe as your more common doctor assisted hospital births. With the mid-wife assisted births, both home and hospital, the woman was also less likely to get drugged or cut. This also seems obvious as mid-wives are not doctors and are therefore not going to do surgery or push pills on you. Doctors, on the other hand, are generally in a hurry to get things overwith and look for the quickest established medical way to get things done — from my own observation, anyway.

If anyone is wondering, no we are not using a midwife. Robin’s comfort is all that matters, and she wants o do the birth in what has become the traditional way. She is also very adamant that she will not be cut or drugged unless there is no other way. And for you ladies who are reading this and men who understand — she would also rather tear than be cut (episiotomy), because it is less likely to cause complications and more likely to heal properly. We looked into it, though and know a few people who have done it and had wonderful experiences.

The article on spanking was by far the most interesting and quoted three studies, one of which said spanking as a last resort (no more than two smacks on the bottom!) was actually a pretty good way to get things done, while the other two said NO!!!! Spanking is bad!!! One went so far as to say that spanking a kid is linked to more agressive and probably criminal behaviour, and also reduces self-esteem. Somehow in there there was also mention that, while linked, it is not necessarily all bad because most adults were spanked and the majority of us turned out fine.

Yeah. I know it seems like a contradiction. shrugs

It was also pretty apparent that these studies had a difficult time distinguishing a whack on the butt from a slap on the face or beating a kid bloody. In any case, I personally believe that, while hitting a kid is generally bad, a whack on the but or even a gentle tap on the hand is a good way to educate the kid in the concept of consequences for an action. For example — and read on before you crazy wingers start bashing me — if a child is doing something that he/she should not and will not stop when you have tried to explain that it is not acceptable behaviour and why, and all other means have failed (time outs, etc), then I think it is good to let the child know that if he/she keeps it up then he/she will get a spanking. And when the child decides to keep going ahead with said bad behaviour — and this is the most important part — he/she gets a count and, finally, a follow through on the spanking.

And by spanking, I mean a decent whack on the bum relative to the kid’s size. Honestly, it doesn’t even have to hurt. It is really a psychological thing. I know of more than one parent who will tell the kid "You were warned. Now come over here and hold out your hand…" And when the kid — already crying before he/she even gets to his/her parent — gets there, the parnet only gives a tap on the palm or back of the hand. The child then proceeds to wail as if mortally wounded and also understands that he/she has gone too far and that it must now observe the consequences.

Basically, I think that yes, beating — whipping, punching, slapping, kicking, hitting too hard, shaking and other things with intent to harm or lack of control — is bad. And yes, it is obvious that that sort of thing will lead to lower self-esteem and likely more bad behaviour. I can see how it could lead to more aggressive and even criminal behaviour, especially if suffered throughout the childhood. But spanking, when used properly with reasoning and engaging the child in figuring out why what he/she did was not acceptable — and really as a last resort — is a useful and effective tool in parenting.

It can’t be all bad, as it has been used since the beginning of time — it even has its counterparts in the animal kingdom. It simply requires good judgement as to when, where and how much is appropriate. And it should be a last resort, so that it is less likely to become necessary. Just because you don’t spank your kid doesn’t make you a good parent either… there are wayyyyy too many punk ass little potential criminals running around walking all over their parents because they know their parents won’t do anything about it.

Judgement.

Common sense.

But, as a favourite prof of mine used to say…

"Common sense is not that common."

I'm Pregnant... F--- Off!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 16:08:51 -0700

Yep, you read it right.

Don’t look at me, she’s the one who said it — and no, it was not directed at me.

Normally, I try to keep this G-rated. Not for any particular reason, I just usually find that when I write, I swear less than when I speak. Now, I just consider it practice for when the kid is born.

Bad potty-mouth! BAD!!!

Honestly, though, sometimes there is just no better way to get your point across. Note, however, that I did censor the title. That was for you, Mom.

I told my mother the title of the next post and she was less than impressed…

Until I told her the story behind it.

Robin and I were waiting in the car one morning — i had just missed my commuter train and we had a half-hour until the next one — and she was telling me how people were really starting to piss her off.

Robin is carrying high and looks about 3 weeks further along then she actually is. You may remember some mention of this previously in the post No twins… breathes — but I SAW IT MOVE!!!!

We are not having twins. Everyone knows we are not having twins.

But that doesn’t stop them from asking Robin if she is sure.

Also, we are due in the first week of May. Everyone knows we are due in the first week of May.

But that doesn’t stop them from asking Robin if she is due in March — and when she says no, in May, it doesn’t stop them from developing this look of pitying horror that she is going to grow larger still.

Robin is a cute pregnant lady. She actually carries it very well. Sexy, even.

On some level, she is aware of this — but no woman likes to be reminded that she is only going to get bigger. Or that she is possibly going to have to push out some gargantuan nine pound baby through something that can not even imagine that size. In this case, size really does matter!!

As a man, I can’t even fathom the concept. From what she tells me, Robin is having some difficulty with it as well…

So anyway, with all of these people — many of whom are parents and should know better — asking these silly and irritating questions, Robin says to me: "Sometimes I just want to look at them and say… ‘I’m pregnant… Fuck off!!’"

To which I, of course, reply with uproarious laughter and say "that should be on a t-shirt".

Robin smiles at me indulgently and then says quite seriously: "It really should be! ….I would wear it."

I grinned at her and gave her a kiss, and later, when I was on my lunch break from work… I had it made for her.

Doesn’t she look cute!? I mean… it’s a sexy, mess with me and I will totally rip your nuts off kind of cute…. but cute, yes?

She just wishes she could wear it to work…

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Still a cutie!!

Ohhhhh I'm back baby!!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Sun, 20 Jan 2008 13:41:53 -0700

Iiiiii’m BACK! And I’m ringin’ the bell. I’m rockin’ on the mic while the fly girls…

Wait a minute…

Those are Vanilla Ice lyrics.

Don’t ask me how I know them — because I won’t tell you…

Anyway… for those of you who have been anxiously waiting for me to start writing again after the shenanigans that are the holidays and going back to work, I’m here to tell you:

Robin is HUGE.

And this was a couple weeks ago…

Ohhhh you guessed it. We are 25 weeks along today, that baby is doing backflips, acrobatics AND martial arts — and Robin can’t see her feet. Not without effort, anyway. That dark line that some pregnant ladies get down their bellies (linea negra) has, at the belly button and below, become almost 3/4’s of an inch wide — and the belly button itself, well, that sucker is set to turn inside out any day now! I wonder, sometimes, about women who already have an outie… does it get bigger? shrugs Random thought.

Robin is also starting to get stretchmarks… she wasn’t happy about the idea at first — but now she thinks they are kind of pretty. I like them. They are interesting little maps or lightning bolts if you have any degree of imagination. Oh, and ladies, for those of you who are now saying that you will make sure you never get stretchmarks, that you will bathe in cocoa butter if you have to… sorry. You are out of luck. Some women get ‘em, some don’t — most do. To keep them from

This is today — and no, those aren’t stretchmarks. She just woke up… She’s not that pale either… bad lighting.

sticking around afterward, as I have been informed, cocoa butter is good, as it helps keep the skin in good shape, but there is one super-important thing you must remember above all else…

Don’t scratch.

Yep. That’s it. I don’t know what you want from me — this isn’t the cure for cancer I am offering here.

Other important things of note hat have happened this past month are as follows — and in no particular order:

-Our friend Crystal has had her little baby boy. Took about 10 minutes and 3 pushes. Her husband almost missed it while parking the car. If only Robin will be so lucky… Cute kid though. Looked like a wrinkly little gnome.

-Robin’s good friend and co-worker has announce that she is pregnant. this is exciting as this is the same friend that got married a week after us — and our baby now has two friends — and maybe even a future date — by default. We don’t know the sex of our baby or theirs — so date may not be in the cards. I’m open minded though. It’s a whole new millennium after all. As long as the kid’s happy, right?

-I felt the baby move for the first time a few weeks back. Robin had begun to feel it a little bit, but I had been denied repeatedly. I casually draped my arm over Robin one morning, half asleep, and there it was! Woke me right up! I was so excited, it was all I could talk about for 3 days! Now, we can actually see the little bulges sometimes!!! :D — And the little punk has already kicked me in the ass once while Robin was cuddling me from behind. This is how I know the kid is going to be just like me — and just like his/her mother. She is a punk too.

-Robin and I almost moved. We were hell bent on getting a better place, somethig we could settle into for a long time. then we worked out the budget and realised that, sticking to that budget, but staying where we are and keeping the difference in rent for six months — saved us more than $4000.00. We will be staying where we are until at least July. Well, that is provided that the people upstairs don’t piss us off so much with their 3am inconsiderate noise making that we don’t… move. To say anything else would be potentially incriminating. And for those who take things to seriously…. that was a JOKE.

-I had a few minor panic attacks regarding my job. I like it. I like the money it brings in. I don’t lke this 3 month probation period thing where they can let you go without cause or explanation or recompense. That is almost over. Things seem to be going well. But you never truly know until the fat lady, as they say, sings. No I am not talking about Robin. She is the Pregnant Lady. She is a sexy goddess and don’t any of you forget it!

Perhaps one of the most interesting, and definitely one of the most recent, developments, is that Robin has now entered the nesting stage. Ohhh has she!!! She is intent on overhauling the entire house. Just the other day, she did something like 500 loads of laundry. I’m serious!! She washed nearly everything we own, dirty or not. I think she as just waiting for me to come home so she could wash the clothes off my back! It’s actually kind of funny, but I worry about her overworking herself.

Heh… the other day, she picked me up from the train after I got off of work… I opened the door to the car, and there is Robin, in the driver’s seat, cleaning wipe in hand, scrubbing away happily. I look at her a moment and say "Hi baby, how’re you doing?" She responds gleefully: "Hi Baby! I’m cleaning!!!" It may have been a "had to be there" moment, but I couldn’t even get into the car for a good 2-3 minutes beacuse I was laughing so hard.

That’s all for today folks! I will be back soon, at least weekly, maybe more, so stay tuned for tales of Robin’s voracious hunger and the kung fu baby that will soon start to double in size every week!!!

Oh yes, and Robin is still carrying high, for those of you who are interested in that sort of thing and whatever it may mean. She looks like she is almost 7 months along… but she isn’t…

No twins... breathes -- but I SAW IT MOVE!!!!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 23:15:48 -0700

And it was bloody amazing too!!!

The ultrasound, sonogram or whatever you want to call it, was probably the coolest thing I have thus far seen in my life! And I thought hearing the hearbeat was cool… I saw it!!! I also saw the baby’s spine, its little toes, its fingers, and it’s creepy demon-face when the ultrasound saw right through its face. Really did seem like a little alien then…

AND I SAW IT MOVE!!!!!

It was a wriggly little thing. It was giving the technician nothing but trouble (and I apologise for my judicious use of the word "it", Robin — but if I say "the baby" constantly, it may drive people batty…) — and the trouble didn’t surprise me at all. This child will be like both of its parents: a pure, unadulterated, uncut punk-ass. This alien is sooo going to take over the world…

First the baby wouldn’t move. Just kept all its limbs right in the way of the attemtps to take pictures of its insides. Then, all of a sudden, its arm shot UP over its head and the opposite leg kicked DOWN! And our baby was in a semi-superman pose. Then the arm went down — then up again!

And the baby was either sucking its thumb, or putting its thumb against its nose with all finger splayed open and pointing upward while it said "naa nana naaaa naaaaaaaaa".

I’m betting on the latter.

After that, there was no stopping it. The kid was practically doing summersaults!

And no, we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. We don’t want to know. Surprises are peachy! What we do know, is that there is only 1 — count ‘em — ONE… baby in there. Twins would have been an adventure, but one is way more than enough for me for the first go ‘round. The Pregnant Lady is relieved too… she never did figure out how she would feed two of them. Even the thought of it made her breasts hurt…

We also know that the baby is right on schedule. 1st week of May, baby! Can’t wait to meet’cha!

Everything is normal… Robin is just carrying big.

And me? I’m giddy.

This was one of the most true and awesome moments of my life.

I was utterly enthralled.

Robin said that her favourite part of the whole experience was watching the look on my face.

*grins stupidly*

Misogynistic pregnant lady torturers!!!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 22:17:39 -0700

The person who came up with the rules about what you are supposed to do before an ultrasound must be some sort of misogynist. Seriously. You know those little forms you always get before any appointment that involves some sort of test? The ones that tell you not to eat for so many hours beforehand or whatever? Well, for an ultrasound, they tell you to drink a litre of water about 2 hours before — and to not go pee.

Now I don’t know how many of you who read this actually know anyone who knows, or know personally what it’s like to be pregnant — but that just doesn’t fly. The poor woman has to pee all the time as it is… and now she has to hold a litre of water for nearly 3 hours???

It’s insanity, I tell you.

Now poor Robin had to get up at 530 in the morning to practice this misogynistic ritual, because the appointment was at 730am. Yet more proof of the evil nature of The Man. It didn’t help that we had a a hard time getting to sleep the night before (we were excited), or that I kept waking up every hour or so convinced that it was time to get up and Robin must drink her water now. A tired body is not conducive to bladder control. Neither was flood of water falling from the sky, preparing to remind her with every drop how much she was carrying around in her — an amount that seriously wanted to reach out and join the downpour.

It also didn’t help that Robin’s body was not, at that time, made to handle a sudden intake of a large volume of water. As it was not made to handle such things, it — of course — rejected it. Into the sink. Several times. And poor Robin had to do it all over again.

Thankfully, the second time she was able to keep it down.

So we rushed her to the hospital’s ultrasound/medical imaging place. Her trying to ignore the pouring, POURING rain, me trying to get there quickly without a single hard start or stop — and definitely know sharp turns.

At this point… centrifuge bad.

I let her off by the door so she could run in while I park — and when I find her inside, she is waiting for me and practically doing the pee-pee dance. By the time we are in the waiting room, she has to go so bad she is nearly in tears. All I could do was try to tell her to hang in there — words that mean absolutely nothing in that situation. I just didn’t want her to run to the bathroom and then find out she had to do all of this again another day.

The lady at the desk was nice, though. She said Robin could go to the bathroom and let a bit out. If this happens to you, I recommend you learn extreme and very fine muscle control. In a hurry. Robin just barely pulled it off.

Now what’s the big deal, you say? If it’s necessary, then just do it?

Wellll that’s the thing now isn’t it?

When Robin finally got into the ultrasound room, the technician told her that all she had to do was be well hydrated the day before and have a glass of water a little bit before starting.

With all of the natural ways the body tortures pregnant women, why do some people think it necessary to inflict new and potentially humiliating horrors on them?

I’m telling you…!

Misogynists!

Get down, Pregnant Lady, get down!!!

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 11:48:00 -0700

One of the most amusing things thus far in the pregnancy is the amazing dancing prowess of the Pregnant Lady. That… and watching her wiggle about as she rubs the cocoa butter all over her belly and breasts — yeah she’s gotta do those too — while making "booo, booooooooo" noises to simulate the sound of the light reflecting off her now accentuated and shiny-slick belly.

Yes, she is doing that right now.

But that’s another story…

Back to the dancing.

Periodically, I will walk out into the hall — where we have a full length mirror for a closet door — and I will see Robin gripping her belly and wriggling all about. Then the arms come up like she’s tearin’ the roof off the sucker and she starts to bob and gyrate and, yes… do the slow spin. Wiggling all the way ‘round. Now, the girl’s got rhythm — but this is too funny! I mean, she is getting down. And having a great time doing it!

She just loves watching herself, and feeling the motion of her new size as it moves about. And she knows it’s hilarious, too. She looks good, mind you, but… I can’t explain it! I just stand there and watch her, as fascinated as she is watching herself. Eventually, she sees me watching and we both burst out laughing. This is a regular occurrence throughout the week, and I gotta tell you… it gets me every time.

I wonder if all pregnant women do this?

I hope so.

If they don’t, they should.

Get down, pregnant lady.

Get down!!

I made her cry on her birthday...

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 10:07:00 -0700

Relax… they were happy tears. And tears about missing family — I was not a jerk. It was actually very cute and moving and whatnot. For her birthday I got her several things that she wanted. First, I got her a body pillow. She thought that was all I got her — and no, that is not why she was crying — in fact, she was pretty excited about it. It meant support for her burgeoning belly and her now very heavy chest. I haven’t talked about that yet… more on that in another post. Anyway, she was happy. Later on in the night I broke out another gift that was pregnancy and comfort/future related… cocoa butter. This, as any woman can probably tell you, is essential for the prevention of the hated stretch mark. I’ve seen women with stretch marks and they don’t bother me — they sometimes look pretty neat, in fact, like a crazy tattoo or something — but to women, they are anathema. That means very bad… See? I am SMRT! So yeah, she was tickled by that present too.

The big one was the book.

Actually, there were two books, but the second was an add on to the first one — a Robert Munsch anthology. You see, this pregnancy thing brought about something that I didn’t know about my wife…

I had no idea that she was a Robert Munsch freak. It just… never came up. One day, though, she was telling me — and quite excitedly, too — that she was really looking forward to reading the Munsch stories to our baby. That the stories were a huge part of her childhood — one of her favourite parts — and that she reaaally wanted to get them. she felt them to be both educational and entertaining and she liked them as much, if not more today. She wanted to and wants to share that experience with our kids. I was tickled — I loved Robert Munsch as a kid too, though I don’t have as vivid a memory of his works as she. The anthology was one of the more complete ones, with most of the more well known stories — excpet one. That is where the other little book came in. A single story — and I will forever thank the nice lady in the Chapters kids section for recommending it. As soon as I told her my wife was pregnant, she said I had to get it. I checked it out, got some spark of a memory regarding it — and agreed. As it turns out, it was (and is) Robin’s favourite, hands down.

The book is called Love You Forever.

I highly recommend it.

It is one of the sweetest stories I have ever read — and reading it to her that night brought back memories of my own. It is, essentially, a book about life, in all of its stages — and the love of a mother for her son and his for her. It is also ridiculously funny. The end though… it made her cry. At first, I thought it was just her crazy pregnant-lady emotions (after all, she cries at the drop of a hat some days… I have told you all about the Pavarotti incident right? No? *marks that down as a future post*) — but as it turns out, it has always made her cry ever since she was little. A very emotion-drawing book, that is so simple it is hugely powerful — and entirely based around this song:

"I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be."

Read it.

It’s worth it.

15 weeks, Baby!! -- and sexy maternity pants...

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 23:34:54 -0700

It’s the size of an apple.

An apple with legs that are now longer than its arms (or getting there), eyes that are sensitive to light, tastebuds, and apparently breathes amniotic fluid through its nose to help develop its lungs. Oh… and, if you are so inclined to know what parts dangle or… don’t… from this apple, you can find out if you get a good picture. We are not so inclined. We like surprises — and our picture is a few weeks away yet anyway.

Still, that’s some fancy apple!

Robin is supposed to be on the mend, from what we’ve read and heard. The jury remains out. She is better every week, but there are still the occasional bad bouts of The Sickness that pop up. She seems happier, overall, though. Especially since we went out last week and bought her first pairs of sexy maternity pants! She is sooo much more comfortable.

And I’m not kidding about the sexy, either.

Gone are the days of the mandatory moo-moos! Pregnancy fashion is hot! And… it’s in style, oddly enough. There are tons of women wandering about in shirts that seem like they are maternity wear — or at least reminiscent thereof. I’m convinced it has to do with how "fashionable" it has been to be pregnant in Hollywood the past couple of years.

But that’s neither here nor there… I was talking about pants!

Robin picked out a couple of nice pairs of cords that have this stretchy stuff that goes over the belly — put a shirt over that, and it looks for all the world as if she is wearing regular pants. Nice and form-fitting too, I might — and just did — add. She is so happy that she has something that fits her. She was rapidly running out of clothes. Even her "comfy jeans" were not cutting it anymore. You know what I’m talking about ladies — I understand that you all have a pair of "comfy jeans".

Around this stage in the pregnancy, most women are starting to show. Some not so much, some more than others. Robin falls into the latter category. She started to show pretty early and, I gotta tell you guys, it looks good on her! We are already at the stage of happy and curious belly rubbings…

It is long since time to break out the measuring tape and the camera.

*grins*

Stay tuned.

New job... Yay!! -- Now maybe I can pay for the baby...

nospam@example.com (Bobby) — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 23:09:42 -0700

So, I’m sure all of you wee waiting with baited breath to see what happened with the second post in this series So I’m having a baby… Now what? Well, I think it only proper to let you all know that I started a new job today! One that pays!! Money!!!

This pleases me greatly.

Now I just have to make sure that all goes well over the next three months. mutters Damned probation periods…

The upside of that three month thing is that, at the end of it, I should get a raise of about 2 grand per year. Yaaaaaay money!

Normally, I don’t care too much about money. Normally, I really find it to be pain in the ass. It’s a pain in the ass to get — and it’s a very serious pain in the ass to keep. I’ve got bankers, boys and girls. You know the song. looks at the lot of you The "Hands in my pockets" song? From the commercial?

Yeah.

I’ve got alllll of that going on.

And as we discussed before, babies are costly little rugrats. Not too mention the pure and inescapable fact that a financially secure wife is a much-less-stressed-and-much-more- likely-to-be-happy wife.

So… Yaaaaaaay money!

Take that bankers!

For the curious, the job is in marketing (Marketing & Communications Co-ordinator) — and the first day went well.

Wish me luck!